As they grow, children go through a developmental stage in which they seek to define their identity. Outside of your home, they will hear about what the world says they should be, but if they have grown up receiving the key building blocks of character and faith from their parents, they can build the kind of life that has hope and a future. Children need to know—and to be confident in—their identity in Christ—and as parents, you can guide them to understand where faith fits in their lives. This post explores some ways you can help your child develop a positive identity in Christ.
"Identity" by Shaunti Feldhahn
One of the most mystifying things that a husband and wife can go through begins when their child enters middle school. Couples start hearing things like, “Uh, Mom, not to hurt your feelings or anything, but don’t go clothes shopping for me anymore, okay? Just drop me at the mall with some money.” Wow, that can be painful to hear!
Well, in most cases, there’s nothing wrong, and that’s perfectly natural. Our kids have to go through a developmental identity-seeking stage to become a healthy adult. If you feel like you seem to be chasing after the elusive close relationship you remember having with your little one, well then, keep reading.
So much happens in just a few short years, doesn’t it? We know our kids need to find their own identity and “build their own castle.” The problem is, the only building blocks they have to build with are ours, because our identity is the only one they’ve ever known. So if they want to build something of their own, they have to question everything. It’s like they suddenly pull apart every value, opinion, and preference that we’ve used to build our castles and question whether or not they want it to be part of their own. It can be scary for a parent!
My co-author Lisa Rice and I surveyed over 1,200 teens for our book For Parents Only, and found out that it’s not just the parents who are scared. Despite the barbs, the lippy-ness, and the pulling away, there’s usually a very insecure kid inside, desperately trying to figure out who she is.
Lisa gave me a great example: “One of my daughters was frustrated one day and said, ‘I don’t feel like I’m the best at anything… not my sport, my music, my job, or my grades. It’s like I don’t have anything that’s clearly me!’ So I shared something I’d once heard from Mike Bickle. I drew a diagram – a little circle surrounded by a bigger one. I labeled the different places around the outer circle with words like appearance, talents, friends, grades, and so on, and then asked her to mark the areas that were bothering her.”
“I said, ‘The labels in this outer ring are where many people look for their identity. If necessary, God will allow pain in those areas to push us to this center circle, which is our core identity: that we are lovers of God, beloved of God, and we abide in the heart of a God who adores us. If we try to base our identity on any of these other aspects, we’ll become frustrated; but we’ll find contentment when we focus on our real identity.’ My daughter said, ‘Wow, that’s exactly what I needed.’”
During these years when our kids are trying to figure out who they are, it is imperative for us to point them to their identity in God, and it is also so important to realize that as much as we want to, we can’t push our building blocks into their castle.
Instead, we need to answer their questions and let them work through it instead of getting defensive. I promise you, if we do that, they will be much more likely to involve us in the process.
Matthew 19:14
Jesus, You said to bring the children to You, so I pray that my child will learn that his or her truest identity is found in You, not in anything else.
Am I reinforcing my child’s identity in Christ?
Start finding and reading verses from the Bible together with your children to teach them who they are in Jesus.
Any parent will tell you that you can’t really make your child do anything. And you certainly don’t want to make them seek Jesus. However, you can encourage them to seek Him, pray that they do, be there to answer their questions, show them the love of God, and celebrate who they are in Christ. In addition to using words to teach our kids about Jesus, we also need to model the kind of behavior we want our children to adopt. The next post shares how you can model faith and character as the best example for building those same characteristics in your kids.