Who Decides About Sex On Tuesday Night?
Scripture teaches there will be trouble in marriage.
Get ready for it!
“But if you should marry… such will have trouble in this life…” (1 Corinthians 7:28). The one who fully intends for us to experience love and respect also teaches that “those who marry will have a lot of trouble” (CEV).
Why the trouble?
1 Corinthians 7:3,4 gives us the answer. The apostle penned,
“Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”
The wife has a legitimate sexual need, as does the husband, and both have equal authority in the sexual realm.
This begs the practical question: Who decides about sex on Tuesday night?
Who makes the final decision when the young wife prefers not to have sex on Tuesday night and the husband prefers to be sexually intimate that evening? Or, who decides 50 years later when this husband prefers to decline his wife’s request to be sexually intimate on Tuesday night?
Troubles arise because God designed us with appropriate differences, but with equal authority. Neither of us is wrong, just different, but both have equal say.
Tuesday night has to be resolved in a way that does not lead to alienation and estrangement.
Jesus said, “…a house divided against itself falls” (Luke 11:17).
As a husband one of the ways to show love to your wife, and as a wife to show respect to your husband, is how you act and react during these troubling conflicts.
I won’t answer here which way the decision ought to go since I do not have that prerogative. But I can state a foundational truth–when you come across lovingly as a husband and respectfully as a wife, based on Ephesians 5:33, most often you will find a solution to the Tuesday night question of, “Who decides?”
Let me repeat this. A husband’s loving attitude and a wife’s respectful demeanor move the couple into a spiritual and emotional state where they think soundly and creatively, which results in finding a solution that mutually satisfies.
When we practice love and respect from a heart that intends to trust and obey God’s command in Ephesians 5:33, we tend to figure things out.
On the other hand, hostility and contempt quench the Spirit of God from operating and closes off the creative juices from flowing in us because of our madness. On the heels of not getting our sexual wish, we end up hurting the marriage significantly more than simply not getting our sexual wish.
Put it this way, when we get our sexual preference on Tuesday night because we expressed hostility and contempt to such an extent that the other relinquished to our demand, we win the battle that evening, but we lose the heart of our spouse.
The good news is God makes a way to create win-win. He designed every couple on the planet to have equal say with regard to sex (1 Corinthians 7:4). Because God calls us to mutually submit, He has made it possible to find solution somewhere in the “room” if we will work at finding it.
Some call this a creative compromise or getting to yes-yes–both of us sacrifice a bit. The husband receives sex less often than he desires, but she meets his sexual desires more than she personally needs.
What if you have tried but still have no win-win?
Have the two of you prayed about this together, asking God for wisdom to create win-win? Some couples spend years doing battle with each other because they never surrendered the matter into God’s hands.
James pens, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5). Later he writes, “You do not have because you do not ask” (4:2).
God is not bewildered by your troubles. He foretold this trouble for every husband and wife (1 Corinthians 7:28). Therefore, He is more than capable and generous to help you find a creative alternative! Have you not received an answer because you have never asked Him for a solution? You need to ask. Stop depriving yourself of His help.
If stalemates continue after praying, turn to a wise, godly person who can address this lack of resolve.
Earlier Paul wrote, “I say this to your shame. Is it so, that there is not among you one wise man who will be able to decide…?” (1 Corinthians 6:5). Though he refers to the settlement of lawsuits with a wise, godly individual in the church, the principle applies when serious conflicts arise between two believers, not the least of which is a husband and wife!
Surely God intends to use a wise person in the lives of a couple at odds with each other to the point that God’s purpose to use them as a couple has been thwarted due to the fights they have over their sexual relationship.
God has placed such a wise person in every congregation. This isn’t just anybody, but a truly wise man or wise woman. Stop and think about who that person might be in your church. They’ll come to mind.
Call them and ask if they feel comfortable helping you resolve a conflict where both of you feel you have equal say in a matter, but cannot find a healthy compromise that satisfies both. Yes, you might feel embarrassed, but you should have utmost confidence that this wise person will maintain confidentiality, not pass judgment, identify with the struggle, pray with you and provide practical insight. If this individual doesn’t bring these elements to the table, you have selected the wrong person.
Throughout the Tuesday night trouble always remember: You are in the center of God’s will, not outside of it. He designed the tension (1 Corinthians 7:3,28), so do not let your frustration arise to the level where you express hostility and contempt toward your spouse–it’s at that juncture you disobey Ephesians 5:33 and God won’t honor this disobedience.
Instead, remind yourself that God loves both of you, is not shocked by your differing preferences and wants the two of you to be mutually satisfied as you fulfill your sexual duty to each other (1 Corinthians 7:3).
Tuesday night has a solution! Look for it. Pray for it. Get counsel for it.