When God Requires Much of You
"I always pray with joy…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippans 1:4 & 6
I am convinced today, in this moment, there is no greater emotion than grief. Not grief from losing a job, or an animal, or a toy… but the loss of a loved one. One that you’ve held in your arms perhaps. One that you have walked a lifetime with – no doubt. One that you have prayed for and lost before they drew breath on this earth – absolutely. The loss is so consuming, it feels as though the pain of it would suffocate me. Even as I write this, my body is shaking, as the grip of the pain holds my heart tight in its iron fist.
Eleven years of infertility have marked our life. After pursuing many options, God recently led us to pursue In Vitro. He opened doors. He answered prayer after prayer, even ones that were never prayed. And, yesterday we were so expectant! We were so certain that God had finally breathed life into my barren womb. To see the look on Gilbert’s face as he was told that he would finally be a father… I could not wait for. Instead, I heard the words, “ I have bad news, Christi. I’m so sorry.”
And, I am left with this hole in my heart. It is not the type of lack that can be filled with God. If it could – the hurt would hold no power over me. It is a pain that demands to be acknowledged. It requires a response from deep within a broken heart.
And so, with my heart shattered into a 1000 pieces within me, there is a choice to be made: do I continue to trust, and hold firmly to the faith that I profess? Even if my arms never hold a child of my own; will my purpose still be found in glorifying God? Or will I allow the bitterness to creep in and take over? Will I walk away from a God that requires too much of me?
Honestly, I cannot say that I know my answer in this moment. I want to believe that the foundation of my faith is so strong; it cannot be moved. But, the truth is, this loss has shaken me to my core.
Prayer: Jesus, I need you! Like never before I need you. Where is the peace that you give so freely to all who ask? Where were you? Why would you lead us down this path – just to crush us again? Take this pain, this all consuming anguish within me, and give it purpose, Jesus. Do not let it be wasted.
And, forgive me for my lack of faith. Hold onto me, even though it feels like I cannot hold onto You right now. Please help me in my unbelief.
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