The Secret of Unconditional Love
This husband had stepped over the cliff and was hanging in mid-air.
Did he realize it? Would he wake up in time?
“…My wife put on a happy face for the sake of our children, but inside she was hurting. She basically cried to me to never do it again–she was begging for my love and I let her down.
“She recently told me she wanted a divorce and she was done with me.
“I couldn’t understand why because I never beat her. I work hard to provide a nice home for our family. I don’t go to bars and hang out with friends and I’m home every night for my family.
“Your book, Love & Respect, opened my eyes to see how over the years she was begging for my love and I didn’t realize how much of a jerk I was to her.
“I have asked the Lord into my heart many years ago and I am very convicted of my sins. And I’ve confessed them to God and asked his forgiveness.
“Needless to say I’ve lost the trust of my wife and her heart has hardened towards me over the years. She has a victimized mindset and she does not forgive people for any perceived wrongdoings.
“I refused to leave the house and let her know she would have to be the one to leave, because I would not leave my family. In so many words she has told me she would not take the kids from their home.
“It has gotten a little better. I’ve been more loving towards her, but she’s not too sure of it because I believe she’s afraid to let her guard down. And she hasn’t been respectful to me. But I will continue to love her as the Lord instructed.
“One thing that really bothers me is that she has allowed herself to become friends with my daughter’s basketball coach, which maddens me. I saw one of the coaches put her arms around her and hug her, and then I saw her throw her hip into the other one as his back was to her. I don’t think anything has happened, but she told me she has “bonded with one of them and they have become friends but there is nothing to worry about.” This infuriates me because she’s playing with fire. And her hipping the other coach comes across as flirting, maybe not to her, but it does to a man. My wife is a good person and I don’t think she would commit adultery. But it is hard for me to confront her with all the hurt I’ve caused her over the years .
“Emerson, should I address here how to talk about things that bother us?”
Secret of Unconditional Love
Unconditional love can win a wife’s heart.
Hosea applied such love to the heart of his adulterous wife, Gomer. If he could do it, surely a husband can apply unconditional love to a hurting wife who is resisting and resenting her formerly wayward husband.
Unconditional does not mean a husband goes along with his wife’s flirtatious behavior toward another man; it means he does not react in ways that feel unloving to her.
In the midst of his fears he must move forward with a loving, humble demeanor.
Instead of pointing out what she is doing wrong, it is wiser for him to be proactive in loving her.
Instead of telling her to stop, he needs to think of positive things he can do for her that ministers to her.
He should consider what energizes her. He needs to focus on what “makes her day” and do those things.
Key To Win Her Back
The husband again continues,
“I do love my wife and I don’t want to lose her, but…she’s far from the Lord and it’s like pulling teeth to get her to go to church. She also refuses counseling.
“Through all this I do thank Jesus for my pain and suffering. My eyes are opened and I know it’s about me getting right with Jesus. If I had led my family spiritually all along this most likely would not be happening, at least not to this degree.
“I’m loving my wife regardless of how she treats me, even as hard as it is.
“And I’m forgiving her of her actions towards the coaches.”
When a wife has closed off to her husband and gained attention from another man, it infuriates the husband, and understandably so. The husband must have the confidence that he can win his wife’s heart, as Hosea won Gomer’s heart (Hosea 3:1).
The key is for the husband not to explode and undermine all that he has worked on. He must be cool, calm and collected.
The incentive is to remind himself of his past sins.
He is not better than she is, though at present she is seeking emotional attention in the way he sought to look at porn.
He must believe that his wife will pull away from this man because she knows it is wrong and not the kind of example she wants to set before her children.
I Want To Fix This
The husband asks,
“I know you can’t tell me all will be okay, but what godly advice can you give me since I seem to be the only one wanting to fix this?
“I know all things are possible through God and I have faith my marriage can be set right and based on God first.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated and please pray for us.”
The fact that he has not left the home is a good thing.
As odd as it is, this demonstrates to his wife that he will fight for her. This demonstrates spiritual leadership.
As he stays the course in a humble and loving, but firm way, it will break down her walls.
Questions to Ponder
- How would you help guide the wife back onto safe ground?
- Do you forgive and move on? How many times?
- To what extent would you fight for your marriage?
- What steps did you take to restore your marriage?
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