The End of Things
“Love to you as you embrace and mourn your changes today.”
This was the closing sentence to a little note I received via email today. It caught me. Yes. That is what I want and need to do. I can’t pretend the changes aren’t happening. I don’t want to refuse them and lose what God has for me. But I do mourn them.
I am both sad and grateful.
I do not like goodbyes. Not at all. I like hellos. To me, one of the pleasures of Heaven is that it will be one big HELLO! No separations of any kind ever again.
I just returned home from driving our second son, Blaine, off to college. Our oldest, Sam, left a few weeks ago as he is a senior now and a Resident Assistant this year and had training to attend. An earlier goodbye. I didn’t even cry. I’m getting better at this (I thought).
I didn’t cry when I said goodbye to Blaine either! I think it helped both of them to be free from feeling that their growing up is causing their mother pain. But I will confess that when I left him and went inside my hotel room, I collapsed on the floor and sobbed. For quite a while. Pictures flashed through my mind of my sons in elementary school – in class photos – during family hikes – laughing – even some hard moments. Tow headed. Curly headed. Little boys.
I am not the mother of little boys any more. My sons are young men. All three of them. And I love them. And I am grateful to God both for who they are and for who they are becoming. I am actually glad for them and the season of life that they are in.
Oh just to be able to hold on to a moment for longer than a moment.
I was intentional to be present to the moment. To be here. To be here now and to drink it all in. That was a good choice. Even so, I am increasingly looking forward to Heaven…to time out of time, to no separation, no misunderstanding, no disunity, and no more goodbyes.
But for now, I bless my sons. And I’m going to cry a little bit more. And yes, embrace and mourn my changes today.