I Wish I Had Waited


Valerie Gotuva shares why she wishes she had waited until her wedding night to have sex.

I couldn't look her in the eye. "Yes, of course his mom will be there," I said sarcastically. My mom questioned me like this all the time, and I deserved it. But I couldn't let her know that. I was going to my boyfriend Kevin's for dinner and a movie.

My Kevin. He played guitar in a band, he wrote poetry and he was incredibly sweet. He said he loved me, so I said I loved him too.

Mom drove me over to Kevin's, just to make sure his mom was there. She was. But that didn't really matter. I could make my own decisions. And I did …

What if?

Kevin drove me home that night. After he kissed me goodbye, I stepped inside and went upstairs. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I didn't like to look into my own eyes. I went into my room, trying not to look at my bookshelf where the words "Teen Study Bible" glared back at me accusingly. I lay in bed for hours, and I couldn't sleep.

All I could think was, What if? What if I get pregnant?

I cried as I wrote in my journal, mapping out a plan in case I did get pregnant. Who would I tell first? Would I try to have an abortion? Would I stay in school? How would I ever be able to face my parents and brother?

"Oh please, God," I prayed, "just let me not be pregnant. I'll stop doing this."

I didn't get pregnant. But I didn't stop, either.

Feeling Betrayed

Time passed, and little by little I became aggravated with Kevin. His friends kidded me about the physical side of our relationship. So much for his promised discretion!

He didn't show at a dance recital that meant a lot to me. I started feeling betrayed. I'd shared my body with him, my soul, and he didn't really care. It hurt a lot. I broke up with him after a six-month relationship.

A wall had been built, though, and it remained—between me and my parents, and, most importantly, between me and God. I went into another relationship, and again I went too far physically. I was addicted. It seemed like I was in an endless cycle, even after I broke up with my second boyfriend. Change seemed impossible.

A year later, I sat in church one Sunday, listening to something about a parable of wheat and tares (Matthew 13:24-30). Tares are weeds that grow in fields. Tares look like wheat, but are not. That hit me. Even though I'd been in church my whole life and came from a Christian family, I realized I had no true faith.

And faith was what it was all about. Faith that Christ had died on the cross so I could be with him—so my sins, all of them, could be washed away. Faith was the answer.

So I prayed. I told God I knew I was a sinner, that the things I'd done were wrong. I asked him to forgive me and be the Lord of my life. At 17 years old, I got saved.

As I began studying the Bible, I found more and more instances where God's rules, and my parents' rules, weren't just stupid things that made no sense. They made perfect sense; they were there for a reason, to guide me on how to really be happy.

Written by Valerie Gotuva

He's Pressuring Me for Sex
Ignite Your Faith
If You've Gone Too Far…
Ignite Your Faith
Sabotaged by Traditional Family Love
Derwin L. Gray
Three Questions to Ask Before You Talk to Him
Revive Our Hearts
What I Wish I Would've Known Yesterday
Emily Manke
Follow Us

Want to access more exclusive iDisciple content?

Upgrade to a Giving Membership today!

Already a member? Login to iDisciple