I’m Wearing Maternity Shirts

Description

It's not so much about how you look but about how you feel. Courtney DeFeo shares her struggles with her weight and her insecurities about her body.

Yep, I’m totally wearing maternity shirts, and a pin (holding my pants together) poked me in the gut today.

Well, the shirts are made like maternity shirts.

They cover the stomach area and tush.

I’m so mad, frustrated, sad and SO OVER IT!!!

I am so not pregnant and not planning on that.

I’m just basically too big for my clothes right now.

It’s funny to joke about for a second, I did eat my way here.

And, it’s not that much I suppose—10-15 extra?

I just had to let you know  that I am human, like everyone else.

BODY/WEIGHT/IMAGE is my biggest struggle and has been my whole life.

(MOTHER/FATHER/RON – remove guilt right now. You did nothing wrong.

I promise on the B-I-B-L-E…you make me feel like I could win Miss America tonight.)

I’m thinking the route was many small things that added up over time.

However, I’m a 35-year-old WOMAN, mature, sensible adult that should be able to kick this battle in the face one last time.

I did get poked in the stomach today with a pin.

I do wear Spanx –and almost lose the ability to breathe.

I run in and strip clothes and find Ron’s t shirts and jammie pants.

I write this post and have for months while eating chips or ice cream.

I’ll go to Ann Taylor Loft just to pretend I’m a size smaller and play in the skinny mirror.

I avoid shorts and bathing suits daily, which is an interesting issue here in FL.

Oh, I could go on and on… but you got the picture: I'm a nut case! :)

I’ve been here before.

However, the stakes have changed. There is urgency.

I know all the right things but something isn’t totally connecting, or this would not CONSUME my thoughts and DICTATE my mood every day.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not discount my emotions and years of battle with this because you think I’m a certain size.

I’ve been every size in the world.

You just happen to see my most flattering photos.

I sort of tossed the larger sizes 2 years ago after Larson was born, when I thought I finally “got it.”

And would “NEVER EVER GO BACK TO FEELING THAT WAY AGAIN.”

So, I’m pissed.

I’m OVER IT.

I’m not alone in this and I know it.

They are many of you right now that might already be tearing up.

You know how DEEP this pain goes when you just can’t get a healthy grip on eating well and exercising.

There are some of you that have MUCH deeper pain and battles than I can never imagine that include eating disorders and more.

I am praying for you tonight that you’ll hear my heart and that in some tiny way I get a little bit of it, not the full bit.

I am praying for your struggle and that you’ll BEG God to get in this space and help.

You feel like you can start a business, have 2 kids, move states, but FOR THE LOVE, you cannot lose some extra pounds.

It is not about how I look.

It is about how I feel.

I am a different person when I know I’m making the right choices and feeling great.


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