How to Confront a Friend


God's Word offers clear guidance about when confrontation is wise—and tells us how to prepare our own hearts first.

God's Word gives us clear guidance about when confrontation is wise and how to prepare our own hearts before choosing to confront. 

But if confrontation is necessary, how should we proceed? During my research, I was amazed to realize just how much guidance is offered on this issue through God's Word. God clearly knows that relationships can get messy, and He graciously gives us clear instructions for how to confront our Christian brothers and sisters. 

Here are five guidelines taken from Scripture to use when confronting someone you love. 

Make sure it matters

When it comes to relationships, the stakes are simply too high to use confrontation without caution. Some fights are simply best left unfought. 

Second Timothy 2:23 puts it this way: "Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels." 

Did Paul say it clearly enough? If not, famous western author Louis L'Amour said it this way: "Never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut." Paul and Louis are making the same point. There are some words, especially those that have the potential to be hurtful or cause arguments, that are best left unspoken.

Pray before you confront

Girls come to me all the time wondering how to handle a difficult situation with a friend. I usually ask, "Have you prayed about it?" They look down, shuffle their feet, and usually say something like, "Yeah ... uh ... a little," or "No, not really." 

Praying about a potential conflict may seem like a simple solution to a complex problem. But prayer has power that our words to each other never will. 

Let's revisit James 5:16: "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." 

Prayer leads to healing, and God's Word promises that our prayers have power to bring about change. Don't head into confrontation without blanketing that conflict in prayer. 

Follow the Matthew 18 model

Matthew 18:15–17 says, "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."

After carefully considering the issue and praying through it, if it remains clear that there is sin in your friend's life worth confronting, follow these steps.

  1. Go to your friend one-on-one, and talk through the issue privately.
  2. If she does not listen, go back with the help of one or two additional Christian friends.
  3. If she does not listen, enlist the help of a church leader. Your pastor or youth pastor are the most logical participants in this step.
  4. If she does not listen, put some distance in the relationship. Did Jesus love pagans and tax collectors? You betcha! (In fact, He still does.) Did He shun them and have nothing to do with them? Nope, but they weren't His BFF's. If you've followed the steps presented in Matthew 18 and your friend continues to hold on to her sin, some space would be wise. But I would encourage you to continue to pray for her to change her life and repent.

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