His Banner Over Me Is Love
Self-judgment can feel to me, well, justified. But that hard kernel of shame does not yield a fruit of self-control or change or any other good thing in my life. Instead, it turns into a shield that affects my capacity to receive Love. It becomes the foggy, warped lens through which I view my every relationship and myself. I simply don't believe I am loved or lovable. It couldn't possibly be true.
In fact, left alone, the little hard kernel of self-judgment grows like an aggressive cancer, wreaking havoc in my life. The small stone becomes a massive rock that is too large for me to move. But God (still two of my favorite words), but God is in the business of moving stones. There is no grave-sealing, heavy, love-blocking weight that He cannot overcome.
And I have a part to play. God has asked me to renounce self-judgment and as valid as it feels, I am obeying. I am finding that renouncing judgment breaks up the painful claim of hatred imposed upon myself and allows Love to come in. It allows grace to come in. I give up my position of judge and give it over to the One who is the rightful Judge, Jesus Christ.
The core of my being is aligning with the Truth that judging myself harshly is not my right, nor even remotely godly. It can feel justified, but it bleeds into every aspect of my heart and life. It leaks out towards others. I become prickly and defensive. It prevents me from being able to receive and offer grace. It blocks my ability to believe that I am actually loved, right now, even in this weak place.
I choose again in this moment to renounce self-hatred and self-judgment, and I surrender to God. I choose to believe him and all the incredibly marvelous things he says about and feels toward me.
I know I'm blowing it. But "Judged" is not the banner over my life. "Loved" is.
And that banner is flying high over yours, too.