"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8
Yesterday was a day that came with a deadening blow. God’s answer to our fight with infertility was again “No.” And, quickly on its heels came grief that flooded my soul. Never before was I so certain of God coming to our rescue. I was so confident of God’s salvation from this battle. But, the blood test revealed no evidence of pregnancy.
I know that I alone bear this weight. My husband feels it, but carries it so much easier. Friends have walked similar roads before me and offer words of encouragement, as best they can. But, they cannot bear the burden for me. They cannot push through the grief and pain as it crashes wave after wave over me. They cannot decide for me, how to respond in the face of such adversity.
That said… the friends that have cried with me, friends that have held me in a longer hug than ever before, the friends that have driven hours just to pour what grace they could over my aching soul are such an unbelievable blessing while being surrounded by such heartache.
A huge part of me wants to cry out to God and scream Why?! Why would you lead us so clearly and open doors and answer prayers and confirm that You were going before us to prepare the way… if Your answer would again be no? Has eleven years of infertility not been enough pain for one lifetime? How can the death of two babies be part of your plan for us? And, I come face to face with a question that has never rung so loudly in my ears. Can I REALLY trust God to work all things together for my good and His glory?
The only thing I am sure of in this moment is this: the friends that share my faith have been there for me. They have cared deeply and prayed fervently. Even though I cannot see God, and cannot be assured of His love for me in the midst of such pain… I see His people, who are called by His name. I see them acting like the hands and feet and arms of Jesus, and I cannot deny His influence all around me. Through their selfless acts of love and comfort, I can see the evidence of God so clearly… and I know that He cares deeply for me.
Prayer: Jesus, You tell us plainly that you will never place anything on us that we are not able to bear. You will always provide a way for us to stand up under the weight of it. I am trusting, like never before, that I am yoked to you. I am trusting You to carry the weight of this for me; because I am too weak. Thank you for the friends that you have placed all around me, friends that are closer than a brother could ever be. Your word teaches me that you are perfect in all of Your ways, and that I am loved by You. Help be believe it, Jesus. Grant me faith that can move mountains!
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