He's Not a Virgin


Is it your responsibility to tell your parents about your boyfriend's or girlfriend's past?


Amy and Michael, I want to first tell you that I love both of you so much, and I love your books. I have a question that I don't know who else to ask. I just recently found out that my boyfriend is not a virgin. As hard as it has been for me, I have accepted his past and moved on. The problem that still lingers is telling my parents. I don't want to tell them because they will judge him for his past and not who he is now…and that kills me because I am very much in love with this guy. How do I tell them? What do I do? I am so afraid?


Dear afraid, do not be unsettled my friend. Always remember that God is in control of every situation and your job is to simply find His will. I would love to know how old you are, because honestly, that may change my answer a bit. But I’m going to assume that you are either in college or recently out of college. If this is the case, then I would like to know why you feel the need to tell your parents that he is not a virgin?

Your boyfriend’s past is not your parents' business. I don’t mean that you have to hide things from your parents, but you really need to know whether or not he wants them to know his past. If he does not feel comfortable letting your parents know about his past, then it is not your right to tell them. Now if this was your status as a virgin, and you felt the need to talk with your parents about it, then that is okay. I am sharing this as a parent myself. I do not think that I need to know every past mistake of my future daughter or sons’ spouse.

What I’d be interested in is what kind of person their future spouse is today. I want to know that he or she is honoring God, others, and themselves today. I will not demand to know any past mistakes they have made because that is not my business.

I am also a little concerned that you feel like your parents would be judgmental. If that is true, then they have not earned the right to hear anything about his past anyways. Jesus does not call us to be judgmental, but to love unconditionally like he unconditionally loves us! People earn the right to be connected; there is no written law that says we have to open up to people that will judge us or condemn us. People earn the right to be connected when they respond well and lovingly to our struggles and needs.

But take heart friend, it is not your job to share with your parents any past mistakes of your boyfriend; that is between him and your parents. If I were your father, I would want to know how he is treating you today. If he is honoring of your decision to stay a virgin till marriage, then that is a good thing for me to hear. If he is not honoring of your decision and is pressuring you in any way to go farther physically than you want to, then that is a bad thing.

I know, at least for me, that I want my children to marry authentic, growing Christians one day. If you can say this about your boyfriend, then keep it going.

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