Affection and Intimacy
Many men do not fully grasp the sentimentality of women when it comes to love.
So, why is this an issue?
Some husbands refuse to bring roses or write a love note. These husbands downplay the cry of a wife’s heart for more loving engagement. He views her sentimentality as too much for him. Since God hardwired him differently, he resists her requests and defends his lack of loving and affectionate expressions, leaving her in emotional pain.
Because he does not have the same need, he demands that she adjust to him, not vice versa.
This is not about him meeting her need, but about her ending her claim that she has a need for a more emotional and romantic connection.
A wife writes me,
“Two weeks ago, he told one of our sons (a 15-year old) that Valentine’s Day was for sweethearts. I guess he doesn’t have one, because he’s not mentioned the day to me at all. I’m not going anywhere, but it sure would be nice to have his heart. I really don’t know what else I could have done through the years, save perfection, to make myself more lovable or lovely. So then, I find myself on the ride that keeps telling me that I’m not worth his affection. He told me about 13 years ago, when I asked him to give me at least 1 hug a day…that I needed his hugs…..He said, ‘You married the wrong man. I’m not the huggie type.‘ At that point in time…we had been married about 24 years…How do you wrap your mind around that comment? I’ve pretty much decided that the rest of my days will be occupying a dwelling with him, but I don’t look to him for any fulfillment in my life. No companionship, and nothing that will ever make me think or feel that I am his sweetheart. My children are wonderful….He is a wonderful dad, provider, coach, reads the Bible, teaches the Bible, etc., but when it comes to me, other than for sex, I really could be any woman that would come in and take care of the household duties. He’d never miss me.”
As I read this wife’s email, she was not bitter. Actually, she was full of compliments toward her husband.
She simply wanted a bit more–like his hugs–to which he defended himself at her expense with “You married the wrong man. I’m not the huggie type.” Of course, she did not reply, “If you want sex, you married the wrong woman. I’m not the type.” She would never say that to him since she is a good woman.
A wife of a famous pastor writes,
“What about romance? Can you believe that I never got a birthday present, or a Valentine’s present, or a Christmas present, or a Mother’s Day gift, or a single rose, or a card at least saying I’m a good mom (he didn’t even have to say I was great, good would be enough)? I made the mistake of buying myself a birthday present in our first year of marriage, and so it began. No presents whatsoever…Tell me, how can I ask him to slow down all he’s been doing and listen to me? You know, lend an ear? Or how can I ask him not to serve the Lord so devotedly and be there for me? Try to make me feel as if I existed? As if I mattered? As if I were important not only for sex? How do I explain to him that when I ask him to go see a movie, or dine out, or walk on the beach under the moonlight, or go to the theater, or go to the mall, or spend some time together, I’m not saying, ‘LET’S HAVE SEX!’ Because THAT we already do. And it’s great. It’s just not enough for me, and it makes me cry my eyes out. Is sex all I’m ever going to get in return? Do you understand now why I can’t read the parts in your book that talk to the husbands? He doesn’t think he needs it.”