About a Girl: A Guide on How a Man Can Love His Wife!

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Michael Smalley shares some tips on how men can better love their wives.

I just started a men’s study at our church, WoodsEdge, titled “About a Girl”. Sixty four guys signed up to take part in the class! I’m not sure if that is so much because they want to love their wives better or if it’s their wives telling them they need to learn how to love better (just kidding). This is going to be a four week series and the first week went really well. I figured it might be fun to include what I’m teaching to the rest of our online community as well.

So thus begins a four part series on how men can better love their wives. I want to encourage everyone reading this that the series is not going to be a male bashing experience. Frankly, I’m tired of men continually getting picked on because we love differently than women do. It feels at times that the socially acceptable way to love someone is how a woman loves. Men want to love and be loved just as much as women, we just tend to do it differently.

But the reality is that men marry women, so we need to learn how to love a woman better. My dad, brother, and I wrote a book titled “The Men’s Relational Toolbox“.  We addressed this in the book, that men need to add certain skills to their relational toolbox in order to love their wives and daughters better. This series is teaching four fundamentally important things that men can do to better love their wives!

The first week we learned how to truly “fix it” with our wives by learning how to better listen.  Men often get accused of trying to “fix it” too often by their wives. The good news is that men care enough about their wives to want to fix it, but the bad news is that most men go about fixing it in an ineffective manner. Usually the best course of action is to simply shut our mouths and listen.

James 1:19-21 teaches us, ”Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human angers does not produce the righteousness God desires.So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.”

Listening is important, because it’s important to our wives and it reflects a godly character (because we’re being obedient to James 1:19-21). But listening also helps increase our emotional and physical intimacy with our wife. When our wife feels loved and listened to, she will also feel more excited about the physical part of our relationship. Now let me be very clear, we do not listen because we want more sex; we listen because it’s the right way to love our wives better (more sex is just an awesome natural result of a close relationship).

Often times we read verses like the ones in James, and we think, “That sounds great, but how do I do that practically?” Here’s the answer: you need to LUV your wife if you are going to be a better listener. LUV stands for Listen, Understand, and Validate. LUV is the main tenant to our communication method we teach couples at our Marriage Restoration Intensive program.

Listening is all about body language, eye contact, and intention…yes…whether or not we really want to listen.

Understanding comes when we ask questions of our wives when we feel confused or need further clarification. You want your wife to melt at your words, then just say something like, “Honey, I hear that you want to spend more time together. Could you let me know what spending time together would look like to you?”  Proverbs 15:23, 28 “Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time! The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the wicked overflows with evil words.”

Validating is saying things like, “Yes, I totally hear what you’re saying. Is there anything you need from me?” Validation is the art of allowing your wife the freedom of her own feelings and needs. Proverbs 13:3, “Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything.”

This first week is about LUV, which is one of the most powerful ways you can “fix” anything for your wife. Most wives just want to be heard and validated. All you've been missing is how to accomplish this, and now you have some simply ways to listen effectively, so you can have the kind of marriage you dreamt about during your engagement!

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