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Nothing will destroy a healthy connection in marriage faster than a lack of communication. We have seen its fruits and they are not good. They are rotten, decaying, and stink of fear and selfishness.

If you have not cultivated a healthy space for open, fearless dialogue in your marriage, to voice all your needs and wants and shortcomings, now is the time. Because it is only going to get harder when the baby comes. 

What are we talking about? What does this look like in a marriage?

• Not voicing assumptions about why your spouse isn’t helping you “fill in the blank,” rather than asking them for help.
  
  
• Playing games with your spouse by not voicing how you really feel about their actions or requests of you. Usually a response of  “that’s fine . . .” lets you know you aren’t being honest.
  
  
• Quietly but miserably carrying a load of responsibility, emotional pain, or stress that is far too heavy for one person to bear alone.
  
  
• Making ungenerous assumptions about your day being harder than your spouse’s.
  
  
• Assuming you know the intentions in your spouse's heart behind any action or lack of action. 

These are just some of the common types of miscommunication in the postpartum season. But be careful, because many of these patterns will carry into normal life with kids if not addressed as they come up.  

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” I (Rachel) am actually embarrassed at how long it has taken me to understand and adopt this principle at a heart level, particularly in my marriage.

It is very natural and easy to be a self-centered person, to believe you’re the only one working hard, being inconvenienced, or being responsible. And this was compounded exponentially after having kids due to sleeplessness, physical pain, and the busyness of caring for a baby all day long. 

It is going to be of the utmost importance that you two communicate clearly to each other about everything you’re thinking and going through. It’s crucial that you voice the assumptions you catch yourself having about your spouse. Seek to gain clarity so that you believe what is actually true about them. This may lead to more conflict on the front end, but it will save you both from the awful buildup of things left unsaid.  

One of the best ways to avoid these types of negative assumptions from getting out of control is to be willing to ask for help from your spouse and to give them help when they ask. As we discussed last week, learning to ask for and accept help is good. Your spouse is supposed to be your helpmate and biggest support in life. And if you are nervous to ask them for help, there is a problem with communication somewhere along the way that has taken root.  

I am often surprised at Craig’s response when I actually voice my need for help. He is generous and eager to step in, but he is not a mind reader. This is why communication is foundational to a healthy, thriving marriage whether you have kids or not. 

For example, let’s take doing the dishes. One way of doing them is out of love and service to your family to lighten their load after a hard day. Another way to do the dishes is to be wishing your spouse would do them or at least be helping, but not communicating that wish and harboring resentment. Now expand that idea to changing diapers, doing the budget, meal planning, cooking, and waking up with the baby in the night. Without voicing your wants and needs, you’ll never give your spouse the opportunity to be the partner and support system you need to thrive.

Like we’ve stated in previous days, look for ways to serve one another in love. You will both be utterly exhausted. But save a little of that love, service, and attention for each other each day. Look for ways to communicate your love for them, what you see them doing well, and be intentional about thanking them for how they care for you and your baby. This will go such a long way and will also take your attention off of yourself and how hard things may be. 

Be generous, exercise grace through gracious assumptions, and most importantly, talk to each other. You will never have a better helpmate than this one God has given you.

Scripture

“For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” (Galatians 5:13)

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) 

“One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want. Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered.” (Proverbs 11:24)

This is an excerpt from A Parent’s Guide to a New Baby, for daily discussion questions and guided prayer, click here.