I’ve often talked about my research on the importance of sex and good communication in a marriage. Well guess what?  My latest study for The Kindness Challenge: Thirty Days to Improve Any Relationship discovered that doing a certain something together for 15 minutes a day greatly improves almost any marriage.  

And it’s not what you think it is! 

It turns out, a targeted effort to be kind to our spouse will make a huge difference to every aspect of marriage. Including (drum roll, please) our sex life. 

We all know that the walk down the aisle is the easy part of marriage.  It can sometimes feel like an uphill trek from there! The blissful newlywed days of romantic moments and greeting each other with smiles at the door eventually become busy moments and greetings at the door with the latest family drama. It’s no surprise that all that can get in the way of the fun— and the intimacy. 

Thankfully, there’s one thing you can do that will restore both. 

How often do you really listen to your spouse? I’m talking full eye contact, no phone in hand, no TV blaring in the background — completely present. Men, you need to know that for women, in particular, the opportunity to be heard at the end of the day unlocks real intimacy. And when she feels heard in the living room, she’s more likely to be engaged in the bedroom.

I recently heard a story about a woman who felt very disconnected from her husband. They weren’t necessarily fighting a lot, but she felt like days would go by without him even looking her in the eye. The straw that broke the camel’s back?  She’d had a particularly hard day with the kids’ behavior and broke down crying when he got home from work, as she shared how tough things had been. She tried overlooking how he sporadically read emails on his phone while offering the occasional nod in her direction.

She finally took a breath, wiped her tears, and allowed a moment of silence.  Then he asked (while looking down at his phone), “So how were the kids today?” 

Needless to say, the steam that had already been building, exploded in that moment.  That evening was a wake-up call for her husband. He quickly became aware that his subtle neglect of kindness towards his wife took a big toll on their connection. 

What that husband realized will make a difference for any man — and any marriage: Undistracted listening is absolutely crucial.  In our research with the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, we found that just fifteen minutes of undistracted listening each day had a huge impact.  I should explain that participants do three small daily functions of kindness as part of the Challenge — and for husbands, that fifteen minutes was one of them.  It was also a main reason why the husband-specific version of the Challenge was so effective.

Among our study group of more than 700 people, most of the men felt that the discipline soon become a habit — and even one that they enjoyed.  Because they saw their wife become delighted. They also found that it set the tone for less stress and more romance.  In fact, among the married individuals who did the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, 55% said their sex lives improved!

So, husbands and wives, if staleness or coldness begin to take over your marriage, start small and get big results. Tell the kids you’ll be with them in fifteen minutes, leave your phones across the room, and ask each other about your day. Then listen.

To start the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, sign up here.