This is a flat-out tricky subject. Even now, I (Rachel) am struggling with writing about it. Family dynamics around having a new baby are just complicated, and every family handles them differently. I have seen families with literally no boundaries at all, where people come and go as they please, and then I have seen the other extreme, where families are heavily regimented and almost formal in their approach to time together. There is no right or wrong answer, just what is right for your family. 

Whatever you both decide, it will be hugely important that you communicate what feels right for you individually and that you make decisions together as a team. If you’re not on the same page, work together to find a compromise. Here are some examples of places and times you’ll need to set some extended family expectations and boundaries:

• The delivery room: Who is in? Who is most definitely out? How soon do you want family to visit? Do you want family to wait until you’re settled in your postpartum room, or are you fine with them coming into your labor and delivery room as soon as visitors are allowed? This may seem frivolous, but people are going to be dying to meet that baby, and your first moments bonding as a family unit will be the most important. 
  
  
• Visiting the hospital: Decide together how often you’d like people to come see you all in the hospital. Some of you will have parents that want to come see you and the baby every single day you’re there. Be clear. Be on the same page. Make sure your spouse knows what you truly want, and fight for each other's needs. Your hospital stay will be exhausting. Sometimes, visitors are a breath of fresh air; sometimes, they do more harm than good.
  
  
• Help once you’re home: I cannot tell you what a blessing it can be to have your moms over to help with meals, cleaning, and caring for the baby those first few days at home. However, you will have to be graciously clear with your mothers about how much time is too much. They may not know instinctively if they have outstayed their welcome. It will be up to you to kindly set those boundaries with them for the sake of your own emotional and mental health.  
• You are the parent now: This is a hard concept for some grandparents to swallow. Their baby now has a baby. Some of you may come up against some control issues with your parents where they offer constant unsolicited advice and express their opinion on just about everything you choose to do. Be confident in the decisions you two have made for your baby. You two are that baby’s parents, and only you. You may have to have some hard conversations to clarify that reality. However you choose to feed, sleep train, or swaddle that baby is up to you two alone. Take pride in the things you both decide upon, and when they are watching your baby, you may need to ask them to follow your wishes specifically. 

More than anything, it is very fun to watch your parents become grandparents. They turn all mushy and light up anytime that baby comes into view. It’s really sweet and extremely helpful -- so long as you are clear and on the same page with your spouse. “When we begin to set boundaries with people we love, a really hard thing happens: they hurt. They may feel a hole where you used to plug up their aloneness, their disorganization, or their financial irresponsibility. Whatever it is, they will feel a loss. If you love them, this will be difficult for you to watch. But, when you are dealing with someone who is hurting, remember that your boundaries are both necessary for you and helpful for them. If you have been enabling them to be irresponsible, your limit setting may nudge them toward responsibility.” -- Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No

Scripture 

“Grandchildren are the crown of the aged, and the glory of children is their fathers.” (Proverbs 17:6)

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12)

This is an excerpt from A Parent’s Guide to a New Baby, for daily discussion questions and guided prayer, click here.