Here we go team. Gender roles. 

I (Craig) would like to begin by thanking Rachel for asking me to step in and write this one. There is no easier and less divisive topic in the Church and our culture right now than gender roles. So thanks, babe.   

Let’s start with what we won’t be doing today. We won’t be diving deeply into the biology, theology, and physiology of gender roles, which is an ever-present conversation in our world these days. There are a lot of great resources out there if you’re looking for more than what you’ll get today on the concepts of gender itself and gender in marriage.   

I have two goals for today. First is to possibly expand your notion of how you could be serving one another and your expanding family. The other is to provide a practical guide for you to have an intentional conversation about the roles you desire yourself and each other to play in the days that are to come. 

But why now, when there’s so much else to prepare for as a couple? As hard as this conversation may be right now, it’s way harder when your new baby is actually here.  

But first, a confession. 

When we first got married, I felt like I was a pretty open guy when it came to gender roles. I’m not really a type A, guy’s guy. I’m more of the sensitive type. I like poetry. I write songs and play in bands. I like Christian meditation and long, one-on-one conversations.  

But I still remember this one cringy experience in the first few months of being married. Rachel had cooked dinner the night before (I couldn’t cook a thing at this point), and there were dishes left in the sink the next morning. After going into our kitchen for my coffee before heading to work, I remember walking by the dishes and having the distinct thought, “Why hasn’t Rachel done these dishes yet? Our kitchen is filthy.” 

Noticing the thought, I stopped dead in my tracks. I remember wondering to myself, “Why should Rachel be the one that does the dishes?” Not that it really matters, but we both worked full-time back then, honestly her more than me. She cooked all our meals. She planned our groceries. She managed our budget.  

I somehow entered marriage with a pre-conceived notion of what a husband and wife are supposed to do based on which gender they were. The home was the domain of the wife. Work was the domain of the husband. The father plays with the kids when he gets home. The wife cooks dinner. And everyone lives in a house in a suburb with a white picket fence, has a golden retriever, and blah, blah, blah. 

Needless to say, I had a lot of work to do.  

I hope and believe that we’ve come a long way as a couple since then. There are some ways that our family looks kind of typical for a white, Christian family (if there’s really such a thing as typical). There are some ways we look different. 

I love to cook now. I fell in love with it on a trip to New Orleans. So for a few years, I cooked all our meals. Now we sort of trade off, sometimes in the middle of a meal, depending on what the kids need. We both own the budget, although Rachel is still a little more masterful than me. We both grocery shop (although grocery delivery literally changed our lives). Side note: use grocery delivery once you have kids. Those hours back every week are more than worth it. 

The point is this: The roles you need to play for each other day to day, season to season, probably need to look different than the home you were raised in. And that’s because you and your spouse are not your mom and dad, or whatever your family structure was growing up. Your jobs are different. Your wiring is different. The world we live in today is different. And when you have kids, any capacity you’ve had to compensate for a lack of shared responsibility around the house will dissipate overnight. You will need to be a team, now more than ever before, even in those areas your spouse might have handled all on their own.  

To be uncharacteristically strong and possibly lean too heavily on stereotypes:  

Dad, please change diapers. Learn how to cook at least five good, easy meals. Wake up in the night, even just for moral support. Help clean the house. Get comfortable taking care of the kids so your wife can have a night out, or even a whole weekend away, even with a baby.

Workaholism (which is different from a full workload) is not an adequate excuse for not helping and not being fully present with your kids. If the expectations at work are too high, try and find a new job. Seriously. You will not get to the end of your life and wish you had spent more time at work. And your kids and wife will not understand, and probably shouldn’t understand, why work was so much more important than them.  

Mom, ask for help. Don’t let your husband's uncomfortability with a new baby or busyness at work keep you from asking him to be comfortable, present, and helpful even with a brand-new baby. Have grace.

There is a reality that you’ve carried your child for nine months, and you’re kind of nine months ahead of where your husband is. You already have a relationship with your baby that your husband will just be beginning to form. But seriously, ask for help. Encourage him to spend time with friends. Offer real moral support if and as he works. Ask him how he’s doing and be a safe place for him to be vulnerable. You both need to be a rock and source of love and respect for each other. 

If your situation doesn’t resonate at all with the last two paragraphs, feel free to disregard the specifics. But please, consider thoughtfully the sentiment. 

Now is the perfect time to unearth expectations you might not even realize you have for how you will each love one another and care for your baby. You’ll be surprised how much you lean on your own family history when the baby arrives, whether you’d like to or not. And the way to create your own dynamic as parents -- your own responsibilities, your own rhythms -- is to talk openly and vulnerably together.  

So, as we move to a time of discussion, I hope and pray that the Holy Spirit provides empathy and love for each other. I hope that he illuminates parts of your family history that you loved, things you want to bring forward to your new family. And I hope that you discover preconceived notions that you need to correct to empower you to love and serve each other better in the season that is to come.  

And just in case you’re real mad at me right now, blame Rachel. She made me do it. 

Scripture

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” (Genesis 1:27)

“Through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Galatians 5:13–14)

This is an excerpt from A Parent’s Guide to a New Baby, for daily discussion questions and guided prayer, click here.