There’s nothing worse than feeling like you’re just roommates with your spouse. When you are both so bogged down by the weight of responsibilities, work, or busy seasons in life that you pass each other by without even making eye contact. You’re not concerned about the intimate affairs going on in the other person’s heart. You’re friends. But that’s about it. Bleh!

It is so easy to get into this rut. It can happen for all sorts of reasons, especially after a baby comes into the picture. Mom, if physical intimacy isn’t an option right now, your hormones are all over the place, and you’re experiencing extreme fatigue from sleep loss, the roommate dynamic is very easy to fall into. Dad, if you’re a bit lost trying to read your wife’s signals and juggling new expectations and dynamics at work, inside the home, and inside yourself, it can be so easy to let romance go as a luxury instead of a necessity.  

We have talked a lot about maintaining connection -- expressing needs, speaking gracefully, and taking notice of one another. Today, I (Rachel) want to talk about dating your spouse. Think back with me to when you were still in the dating stage. Awkward, nervous, and silly conversations getting to know each other for the first time, all the butterflies and fumbling over words trying to express your interest and feelings for one another. It was fun and not too serious! 

You were totally smitten. You were full of questions and curiosity! You wanted to know what made them tick, what excited them, what their pet peeves were. You wanted to spoil them and make them feel special. You wanted to regularly surprise and excite them. You wanted to pursue them and win their heart.  

Why does all of that have to stop once we become comfortable with each other? 

Because you won’t be able to leave the house at a moment’s notice anymore. Going on actual dates will take lots of intentionality and planning. You will want to make the most of your actual time away together. Honestly, you can even take the newborn baby with you if you plan according to their feeding and sleep schedule. It’s not impossible!  

But more than taking your spouse on physical dates, I am talking about adopting the mindset of dating your spouse. Getting back to that place in your heart where you’re truly curious about them and realize there is always more to learn about who they are! When you have a baby, it’s easy to forget you’re even still in a relationship with your partner. That’s why it’s important now to get into this dating each other mindset. It will keep your relationship vibrant and fun. 

The pursuit goes both ways! Tear down any lies in your relationship that pursuit only comes from the man. Both women and men need to feel pursued and admired. And mom, your husband will need to know he is still the apple of your eye even when you’re soaked up with the baby.  

There are many thoughtful ways you can pursue your spouse. Pastor Greg Gibson says that loving the whole person must incorporate spiritual, practical, and physical pursuit. Spiritually through praying for them and giving them encouragement from the Lord. Practically through acts of service, leaving sweet notes, making them dinner, or giving them gifts. And physically by going out of your way to create special intimate moments for them. Get creative and put yourself out there, just as your would have in the early days of your relationship. 

Planning special date nights at home can be an incredibly fun way to freshen up your relationship when you’re unable to get out as much. Take turns being the planner. Cook or order in food from your favorite local restaurant. Create a beautiful setting on your back porch. Take the movie night route and create a special, custom popcorn menu! Take care of every detail so your spouse doesn’t have to plan a thing or lift a finger. The options are endless, and showing effort to surprise your spouse goes a long way. 

While none of this may even seem possible when you’ve reached your capacity with baby, I would encourage you to save some capacity to pursue and date your spouse as well. Don’t allow your marriage to be placed on the back burner. Don’t allow your flame to grow cold. In loving each other well, you are in turn loving your child well. They will only be as well cared for as your marriage. The two of you are the foundation for your child to grow and thrive upon. Commit to making that foundation strong and healthy from the get-go. 

Scriptures

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” (Proverbs 18:22)

“Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.” (Song of Solomon 8:6–7)

This is an excerpt from A Parent’s Guide to a New Baby, for daily discussion questions and guided prayer, click here.