In the early days, you are both spent -- physically and emotionally. The hormone changes, lack of sleep, and stress that come from life with a newborn will be hard on your relationship. I’m sure that doesn’t come as a surprise. But more than ever, it’s critical to fight complacency in your marriage and strive to maintain connection with each other.
This new stage in life can feel isolating and lonely, but your spouse is meant to be your best friend and teammate who’s with you every step of the way. April Eldemire, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, says there are simple, essential ways you can do this: maintaining friendship, daily, stress-reducing conversations, and approaching conflict gently.
Another aspect we find essential is cultivating intimacy in various ways. You won’t do them all perfectly, but all that matters is simply putting in the effort to connect.
Stay Best Friends
“A friend loves at all times.” (Proverbs 17:17)
More than likely, your spouse is already your best friend. That will not change after the baby, and it is important to remember you’re friends and on the same team. While you both feel pressure coming from a million places, let your friendship be one that’s fun and pressure-free.
As we have discussed before, fight to have generous assumptions of your spouse, just as you would any other friend. See the best in them, and give them the benefit of the doubt. Stay in the know about how they’re doing and what they’ve got going on. And most importantly, keep having fun with them. Enjoy them and laugh together. When things get too overwhelming and stressful, turn on your favorite song in the kitchen and dance together.
Talk Daily
“Let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.” (Romans 14:19)
I cannot emphasize this enough. Talk to each other daily, and not just about the heavy, burdensome things. Often Craig and I would find ourselves so tired after getting the baby to sleep that we would just turn on the TV and veg out until we went to bed. It left both of us feeling so disconnected, not even knowing if the other had a good or bad day.
I would highly encourage you to save some energy and capacity to have a conversation in bed before you fall asleep. Simply take the time to hear about each other's days, how they’re doing emotionally, if they have any hopes or desires for the weekend. To help you and your partner feel known in your relationship, simple, light, and life-giving conversation will go a long way in maintaining connection.
Intimacy
“Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.” (Song of Songs 2:10)
Intimacy isn’t just sex. And sex will not always be on the table, especially in the first six weeks. Mom, you may not even want to be touched, and that’s okay. Your hormones are going through drastic changes after birth and trying to figure out things it's never done before, like milk production. It’s truly a strange time for the mother. And while that’s extremely important to remember and be sensitive to, there are lots of ways to be intimate together.
I would even challenge the wives to be creative about ways you can love your husbands and be intentionally intimate with them in this time, because they will still miss it and crave it, even if you don’t. Keep it simple and sweet. More than anything, knowing you’re thinking about each other and putting in what effort you can speaks volumes.
Two simple examples: You can write your spouse a romantic card, being specific about why you love them and thanking them for who they are. Or, you can light some candles and set up a time for massages.
Gentle Conflict
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” (James 1:19)
Things are sometimes tense with a new baby. We’ve made that clear. But this stage also won’t last forever. And that is key to remember when approaching conflict. Remember that stressors are compounded in this season and you both are especially on edge from the lack of sleep or time alone. Be gentle with yourself and one another.
Before you bring up an issue with your spouse, take time to assess your own heart and mood. If you’re not in a calm, generous place -- wait. Take a minute to collect yourself.
Don’t go into conflict hot-headed in this season, because it’s truly not fair to either of you, and it will likely make things more difficult than they actually are. Keep a “same team” mentality and always go in making generous, positive assumptions of each other. If you do that, you can’t go wrong. Gentle conflict and reconciliation will only lead to greater intimacy and connection.
Children are a beautiful gift of marriage. They’re truly the sweetest blessing! Just remember, you are still married. Fight hard to maintain an intimate connection and not fall into simply being roommates. This hard, supercharged postpartum season will pass, and your marriage will thrive through it if you give it what it needs. God is with you both every step of the way, filling you with grace, abundance, and peace for it all.
Scripture
“A friend loves at all times.” (Proverbs 17:17)
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” (James 1:19)
“Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.” (Song of Songs 2:10)
“Let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.” (Romans 14:19)
This is an excerpt from A Parent’s Guide to a New Baby, for daily discussion questions and guided prayer, click here.
