A common problem that couples experience is one of perspective: responding to your mate in the way that makes sense to you but not necessarily to him/her. For example, a wife might love to get flowers from her husband, but he helps her with the dishes instead. He is demonstrating love from his perspective, but she may interpret his actions as a passive way of telling her that she doesn't do a good enough job on the dishes.
The secret to understanding your mate lies in understanding each other’s “love needs” —in other words, discovering your mate's built-in marriage manual. Everyone is unique and has different needs, but God can help you figure out exactly what your spouse needs. Today’s post will give you the tools to write the marriage manual unique to you and your spouse.
"Discovering Your Mate’s Built-In Marriage Manual" by Greg Smalley
Do you ever do something you feel is loving for your mate, but he or she does not respond in a positive manner? One day, a well-meaning husband ran into this same frustration. The man wanted to do something special for his wife, so he left work early and bought his wife some flowers, candy, and a card. When he arrived home, with great pride, he presented the gifts and exclaimed, “Hi honey! I love you so much!”
Immediately his wife started crying. “Everything’s gone wrong today,” she explained sobbing. “The baby’s grouchy, and the dishwasher won’t work!”
As illustrated by the wife’s reaction, sometimes we can do things for our mate to demonstrate our love, but it’s not what they need. Many of us understand what we need to feel loved. However, what we may need isn’t necessarily what our mate requires. For example, my wife Erin likes me to compliment her appearance. On the other hand, if Erin never mentioned my appearance I wouldn’t give it a second thought. Therefore, since I don’t need Erin to compliment my appearance to feel loved, I then have a tendency not to notice her appearance. This is a common problem couples face: we have a tendency to demonstrate our love in the same manner that we like to receive it. The problem is that our mate may need something totally different than what we may provide. One important factor in marital satisfaction is discovering the specific things that your mate needs to feel loved. In other words, discovering his or her built-in marriage manual.
One simple way to uncover your mate’s marriage manual is by making a list of what he or she needs to feel loved. I encourage you to set aside several hours of uninterrupted time and write down these specific things. As you construct your list, remember not to judge, disagree, or invalidate the things that your mate says. Remember, this is what he or she needs to feel loved. Also, write down things which are observable. In other words, instead of writing down “I want intimacy,” write, “I need you to say you love me at least once a day,” “We will make love twice a week,” and “I need you to ask me about my day.” These behaviorally specific statements can help your mate to translate vague statements into specific behaviors.
After you understand what your mate needs to feel loved, then you need to be held accountable to follow through. Your spouse has given you a tremendous gift by listing what he or she needs to feel loved. You literally now possess your mate’s marriage manual. I strongly encourage you not to let this precious information go to waste. One of the best ways to be accountable is by asking a very simple question. On a regular basis, ask “On a scale from zero to ten, with ten being the best, how have I done this week in making you feel loved according to your needs?” As you consistently ask this question, you will be able to love your mate according to her needs and not your own.
Pray
Father, we know that You have specifically put us in this relationship together. We also know that because we are unique, our understanding of one another is unique too. Open our eyes so we can see exactly what each other needs, and then enable us to give it unselfishly.
Reflect
Am I clued in to my mate’s needs? How do I respond when I discover these clues?
Respond
Tonight is date night! Go out for dinner, coffee, or dessert, and use what you have learned in this Growth Plan to create a personal marriage manual that will help you understand each other better.
We have discussed many ideas and offered much insight from experts to help you understand your mate. When you consider that God made the two of you differently, you can begin to see why it is often difficult to understand each other. But through prayer and discovery, you can put the pieces together. Women have emotions attached to almost everything they do, and men want to be respected above all else.
Having this insight helps you begin to understand why your spouse responds the way he or she does. It is incredibly helpful to understand each other’s perspectives on important issues, such as intimacy and communication, because it allows you to know what you need from each other in these areas. Keep the lines of communication open, and keep watching for clues to discover exactly how you can relate to one another. When you do, you will be able love each other more deeply than you ever thought you could.