It’s true that the people closest to you can hurt you the most. It’s almost unavoidable—they know your buttons, and they really like to push them! But this doesn’t mean you have to live in an endless cycle of “button pushing.” You can stop pushing their buttons, and you can help them stop pushing yours with communication and conflict resolution skills. When you know how to communicate your hurt in a kind and loving way, you can begin to resolve conflict. Today’s post shares some great tips to help you discuss and resolve your hurts so you can bring harmony back to your relationships.

"Why’d You Have to Go There?" by Dr. Michael Smalley

Why is it that we get nasty with the ones we love the most? Because we care the most about them! We tend to hurt those who we love the most because we have so much invested in the relationship and it really hurts when reality does not match our expectations.

Do not be surprised when your spouse, child, or loved one really wounds you. This is a normal part of any relationship. It does not mean you need to find another spouse, child, or loved one because they hurt you, what it means is that you need to learn how to resolve the hurt. Resolution is an important part of any significant relationship. But I see too many people quit on their relationship when the going gets tough. Expect difficulties; they are coming. However, understand that they are not going to break you; they are going to make you stronger.

If resolution is important, than hopefully you are now asking yourself, “Then how do I resolve hurts?” Excellent questions. Check out these tips to resolving hurt and try them out (you won’t have to wait too long to try them):

Be honest: Things will never get resolved if you never share the hurt. You might be an avoider like me, and so being honest is a big part in beginning the resolution process. If your significant other does not know you are hurting, then it can never get resolved. So be honest and share how you were hurt, and share your feelings humbly.

Be patient: Take time in resolving your hurt. Things, especially really big things, do not just go away immediately. Some wounds simply need time to heal, and that is okay. You can also be patient just by allowing time for the other person to get on the resolution train with you. Do not rush healing, but allow it to grow and be nourished.

Be gracious: If you hold a grudge and take on a judgmental attitude with someone who’s hurt you, then the healing process is going to take a long time. Grace is given to you from Jesus with the expectation that you will then pass it on to others. Even if you do not hear exactly what you wanted to hear, receive the effort to apologize with a graceful attitude.

Pray
God, You have given me this family whom I love. But I don’t always like how we treat each other. Open our eyes, soften our hearts, and help us learn how to communicate in a way that reflects Your love.

Reflect
Am I honest with my family about my hurts?

Respond
Start employing honesty, patience, and graciousness in your family relationships in order to confront and diffuse conflict.

As long as you’re alive, you’ll have conflict. It’s the result of the struggle within, between self and spirit. As the Apostle Paul says, we don’t do the things we know we should, and we do the things we know we shouldn’t. This is magnified when we allow self to have more control than we allow spirit. Self wants its rights and its fair share. Self wants its needs fulfilled. Spirit, on the other hand, wants to see God glorified and wants to show God’s love and peace. This isn’t to say that avoiding conflict is the answer; rather, there’s a way to resolve conflict as outlined in Scripture. Our next post will show you how.