Anger eats away at you from the inside; thus, holding anger or resentment in your heart is never a wise choice. Jesus calls us to live in harmony with one another as much as possible, so avoiding conflict resolution goes against God’s best for us. You might be thinking, “Sure, but you don’t know what he did to me, I just can’t talk to him.” In some cases like abusive ones, for example, that may be the right way to handle your situation, but short of that, there are very few reasons to avoid resolving a conflict. In fact, there are only three Biblical reasons for avoiding conflict resolution—and even then only temporarily.
"Unresolved Conflict" by James MacDonald
Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all—Romans 12:16-18.
As soon as we talk about resolving conflict, people ask, But, aren't there some acceptable reasons for unresolved conflict?
Yes, there are three.
To which they say, Good. I was hoping for some loopholes. Bring them on!
There are three acceptable reasons for unresolved conflict, but you won’t find them very satisfying if you are nourishing hatred in your heart. And they share one characteristic; all are temporary. As Paul wrote, “So far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
Here’s the first reason for delayed resolution: I need some time. I’m not talking about months or years, but hours and days; or in an extreme situation, you can wait a couple of weeks. This is for when you’re saying, I need to take a breath. I need some time to get ready or I’m going to say something wrong.
Here’s the second reason for delayed resolution: I’ve tried and I’m going to try again. Maybe they rebuffed you. You built your half of the bridge, but they wouldn’t meet you. So you take time while you ask God to change that person’s heart. And He can. In any case, you have already forgiven them. And you can go back to them again.
There’s a third reason for delayed resolution: Some conflict is simply not personal. When a judge gives a verdict that sends a man to prison for six months, the convict may hate the judge’s guts, but the judge doesn't have any problem with the person; he’s just doing his job.
Someone may have a wrong heart attitude toward you. This can occur when, as a parent, you have to say difficult things to your children. Be loving, be gracious, pray for God to change their heart and help them see you were just doing what every loving parent does. But if the way you did it, or when you did it, or how you did it was wrong, then you need to be willing to acknowledge your responsibility and even ask your child to forgive you. That’s wisdom and modeling humility.
In all these cases, the ultimate goal is resolution: living peaceably with all.
Pray
God, You admonish us to live peaceably with everyone, as far as it depends on us. I want to live in peace with the people around me. Convict me of any selfish motives for avoiding conflict resolution.
Reflect
Am I allowing unresolved conflict in my life?
Respond
Consider the reasons for delayed resolution in today’s post, and determine if any of those reasons fit your situation. If they don’t, start on the path to conflict resolution by talking about your problems and by choosing to live in peace with those around you.
Living in peace, as far as it depends on you, is not always easy. It takes maturity and perseverance to do what God calls you to do. It is sometimes especially difficult to live at peace with those who live in your home—especially if you are married. Marriages tend to suffer the most from poor communication and unresolved conflict, but it doesn’t have to be that way. In the next post, we will focus on specific issues that tend to break down marriages, beginning with the most common communication mistakes.
