Some guys go all out on Valentine’s Day—or maybe it's just you—with a wallet-busting dinner filled with foods nobody can pronounce, a hotel suite with an in-room spa and a mariachi band, and creative surprises like a blimp ride or a serenade from a singing monkey.
The thing is, once Valentine’s Day is over, there are still 364 days left before the next one. Sure, there are a few more romance-inducing holidays (excluding President’s Day and Arbor Day), but most days are filled with everyday routines and overloaded schedules. It’s been said the best gift you can give your kids is a strong marriage, but what if you can’t find time to invest in it?
Some weeks are so busy I stopped worrying about to-do lists. Nowadays I consolidate my calendar: 2/18-2/24: Try to do everything.
Is Your Spouse a Sticky Note?
My wife Sally and I want to build intimacy (relational, spiritual and more) in our marriage, but add in a toddler, a six-month-old, the challenges of finding a babysitter and the ensuing exhaustion...when I finally get to bed, it looks like I survived a shipwreck and a polar bear attack. We’ve learned that if we don’t pencil in special time together, it won’t happen. But scheduling intimacy? It seems like an oxymoron—like “tasty beets” or “exciting antiques.” But it can be done. Simply put it on the calendar every once in a while.
Now, multitasking may work during your hectic workday, but it doesn’t apply here. A question like, “What has God been doing in your life?” should not be asked while staring into your phone or used in the same sentence as “Please hand me that screwdriver.”
Once we learned these finer points, a little scheduling has helped Sally and me grow closer while finding a balance between the spiritual, relational and physical sides of intimacy…well, as best we can. Going beyond weekly visits to church, we try to share prayer requests and read a devotional and the Bible together at least some nights. A primary enemy of intimacy is the typical barrage of everyday distractions—distractions that push time together aside or get us started way too late when we’re way too tired. By then, Sally can’t read coherently and my prayers sound like caveman gibberish.
Who Are You?
Relational intimacy is our biggest challenge. It’s hard enough to clear our schedules and minds to explore deep issues, talk through problems or conquer hopes, goals and dreams. For a lot of us guys, a little thing called gender gets in the way. For us, this level of sharing is as natural as making doilies or as fear-inducing as being trapped at a scrapbooking convention.
Here are a few things I’ve learned that might help other dads:
Don’t approach talk times clinically.
Lines like this won’t work:
- “This is when we commence the dispensing of emotions. Three…two…one…”
- “All right. Let’s knock out some girly time.”
- “You’re probably mad at me about something, so bring it!”
Intimacy building does not include…
- Guitar solos
- Reviewing Super Bowl highlights (even if your heart was broken at the result)
- Sharing dreams that are not grounded in reality: “I’ve always wanted to take on a whole army of bug creatures, and like all I have is this cannon—but it’s from another planet!
Sally and I have periodic “retreats” to talk about bigger issues and look ahead. Some days I’ll simply ask, “Anything on your heart this week?” She returns the favor, but I’m usually out of words pretty quick. This leads to questions like, “What else?” I don’t think our wives understand that when a guy is done talking, his tank is empty. You can’t wring one more expressive adjective out of him.
On the other hand, when Sally opens up, I’ve learned it may be brief, or…
SALLY (finishing): ...and I think that’s about it.
ME: I’m glad you shared. Let me catch you up on a few things—Happy Easter, Merry Christmas, people drive spaceships these days, and there are now 54 states in the Union.
Turn Down the Lights
Scheduling physical intimacy is the most awkward. Many of us envisioned a married life overflowing with spontaneous passion. The problem is busyness and passion don’t mix. Sally and I have had honest talks about expectations in this area (which also scores relational intimacy points). This is necessary because most of us guys get the idea of scheduling physical intimacy and are happy to add something about every 45 seconds.
It’s all trial and error, but I can honestly say that Sally and I are a team—journeying and growing together, learning to love at a depth we never thought was possible, building our faith—and having a blast, even if it requires a reminder or two.
This post was written by Patrick Dunn.
