I like to help others but sometimes I feel like I am being used.
How do I sat “no” when someone asks me to help them?
This problem is one that many people have. Sometimes it because of pushy person who is insensitive and does not really think how their behavior is affecting you. But often, it is the miscommunication of the one who is “giving too much.” The miscommunication is this: my heart is saying “no,” but my behavior is telling you “yes.”
Regina was a sweet woman I worked with many years ago. I walked into her office one day and asked how she was doing. Immediately her eyes welled up with tears, and she began crying. At first she tried to hide it, but then she spilled her guts. She was feeling overwhelmed with the amount of work she had to do, fearing that she would never get it all done.
Although I was not her direct supervisor, I knew what her responsibilities were and it did not seem to me they were past her abilities. I could not understand why she was cracking. So, I told her that. Then she revealed more. It was not her work that was killing her; it was the work of one of her co-workers. It seemed this person was always asking her for little favors, “could you drop this project off for me?” or “can you finish these proofs for me and get them to the printer?” And being the “sweet Regina” she was, she always said “yes.”
But, while her behavior was saying yes, her heart was screaming, “leave me alone.” I have heard the same stories from single women who were having sexual relationships that they did not want to have, but were not being direct with their boyfriends. I have heard it from friends who were being drawn in to being someone’s entire support system in time of need getting burned out in the process. The contexts are different, but the issue is the same.
Are you giving more than you feel comfortable with and not telling the other person? Have you asked yourself “why?” There are several reasons people do this:
- Fear of facing conflict
- Fear of not being liked
- Fear of being abandoned and rejected if they do not comply with another’s wishes
- Fear of being perceived of as “selfish” by God or others if they say “no.”
- A history of controlling relationships
If you can identify with any of these fears, you have to address them first. But even if you get past the fear, there is still the problem of communication. Remember, the Bible does not have any problem with your saying “no,” and having a limit on what you want to give to someone. What God does have a problem with is saying “yes,” and meaning “no.” (Matthew 5:37; James 5:12) It is at that point we have lost integrity in the relationship.
The sad thing about most of these situations is that the person on the other end “just didn’t know.” They often say: “Gosh, I never knew you felt that way. Why didn’t you tell me?” If that is their reaction, then you have finished the circle of communication and they accept your limits, like a good friend should.
If they don’t accept them and begin to get angry, you have another problem. At that point it is not a communication problem, it is a problem of freedom and control. You probably need to stop giving altogether until the issue is faced.
Until then, “let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes,’ and your ‘no’ be ‘no’.” Then both of you will know what the truth is in the relationship. And, painful as it is sometimes, the truth will set you free.
