Purity Leigh recently wrote this letter to us . . .
I’ve heard for several years now that marriage is all about giving to the other person. I heard that that is what love is, giving up your own desires and wishes (a.k.a. having a servant’s heart) for the desires and wishes of the other person, and that is what makes you truly happy. But lately I’ve been struggling with the logic of it all. If I truly love someone and give of myself to that person (whether in a family relationship, friend relationship, or marriage relationship), will that really make me happy and have a feeling of fulfillment? Somehow that makes me feel like I’ll just wither up and die. It’s crazy, I know, but I can’t shake that feeling. Is there any Scripture that will help me with this?
As I’ve allowed Leigh’s honest and thoughtful comment tumble around in my brain, this gem has emerged—is love supposed to hurt? Isn’t that what Leigh is essentially asking?
True love does require sacrifice. That’s clear as we look at the definition of love outlined in the Bible.
First Corinthians 13:4–7 says, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
According to this definition of love, we must sacrifice or give up envy, boasting, arrogance, rudeness. We have to give up our “right” to keep a record of past offenses. We must surrender the option of running away when the going gets tough. We have to sacrifice our desire to insist on our own way.
But there’s more.
John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”
This passage is less about urging us to physically die for our friends and more about reminding us that’s what Jesus did for us. First John 3:16 says it another way: “By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.”
The only way we can recognize love is through the lens of Christ’s example. He literally laid down His life for us. Dying on a cross was His way of shouting to the world, “I love them! I will not allow sin to keep us separated.”
We will never be asked to prove our love in such a brutal and dramatic way.
And yet . . . because He loved us and surrendered His life for us, we are to make a practice of surrendering and sacrificing our wants, needs, desires, and preferences for others.
Leigh hit the nail on the head by acknowledging that this does not come easily. I can totally relate to her sentiment that sacrificing for others makes her feel like she just might wither up and die. It’s tough to defer to others! Another girl recently asked me how she could sacrifice for her new groom without disappearing herself.
The truth is, she can’t. True love does require that we allow a part of ourselves to fade away. And sacrificial love just might kill Leigh. (Don’t worry, Leigh! It’s not a physical death.)
The Bible calls us willingly to choose death to self.
I have become crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me (Gal. 2:20).
“For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel’s will save it” (Mark 8:35).
For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God (Col. 3:3).
The truth is, true love does hurt. But not in the toxic he-treats-you-bad-you-might-curl-up-and-die-without-him kind of way. It hurts because if we really love someone, then we will choose to surrender the things our flesh urges us to fight for. We will look at Christ’s example of sacrifice and do our best to follow His lead. We will ask the Lord to help us die to self so that we can love others as a way to reflect Him, not grab more for ourselves.
With that in mind, here are a few words just for Leigh. (Although I doubt she minds if you take a peek!)
Leigh, God willing, some day you will marry an amazing guy who loves Jesus. You will be two sinners who make mistakes, but God will teach you how to love like He loved. Yes, it may hurt sometimes. The pruning process always does. But you don’t need to be afraid. As you allow your “self” to wither, you can be confident that God will grow up a crop of righteousness in its place. God’s plan for love will hurt sometimes. Love anyway!
Written by Erin Davis
