Q: My happy 6-year-old son has started incorporating death and war-like games into his play. He has never been a mean-spirited child, but his dad and I just divorced, and I feel like he's having trouble dealing with it. For example, he has begun telling me he feels stupid. Should I consider having him talk to the school psychologist or our pastor?
Other psychologists may disagree, but I would not recommend professional help at this point. However, I encourage you to do whatever makes you feel most comfortable.
First, incorporating war and death into imaginative play is not at all unusual for boys.
On the other hand, if a 6-year-old suddenly becomes obsessed with violence (e.g., begins threatening violence or becomes cruel toward pets), I would immediately suspect regular exposure to video games with violent themes. In that case, the obvious solution is to remove the video games. Evidence is mounting that video games, with or without violent themes, are contributing to various symptoms of stress in young children, including depression and anger.
It's to be expected that your son will have difficulty adjusting to the divorce, but the fact that a youngster is not happy about his parents' divorce does not mean he's having a psychological crisis.
As for saying he's stupid, he may be "internalizing" some anger toward the two of you, but I would tend to wait and see. There is good likelihood that when he adjusts to the new circumstances, self-deprecating comments of that sort will fade away.
But if you and his father act toward him as if you think he's a victim, he will begin acting more like a victim. Children are intuitively brilliant and take advantage of whatever opportunities are handed to them. Your son may be saying "I'm stupid" because you are acting as if it's to be taken seriously. You respond by talking to him, trying to convince him that he isn't stupid. So, the next time he's feeling a little blue and wants attention, he says he's stupid.
Next time, simply say, "We've talked about that enough. If you still think you're stupid, I'm truly sorry, but we're not going to talk about it any more. Furthermore, saying that you're stupid means your brain is over-tired and needs a rest. So from now on, when you say you're stupid I'm going to send you to your room to lie down and rest for an hour, so you can think straight again."
Your confidence in your authority is the key to your son's sense of well-being.
